You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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