I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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