my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
