he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
