I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
