Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
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I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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