i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
