last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
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My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will