it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
