I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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