Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
