everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
