i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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