He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
