if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
