I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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