she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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