Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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