I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.