Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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