I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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