I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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