Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
