haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
