im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
