he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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