just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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