I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
