I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You just made me feel so damn special
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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