3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
