the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
