I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
