I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Houston, we have a blender
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
