I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
