Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
