I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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