operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
