dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
