Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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