So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
