I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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