Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
