I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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