this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
