Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
