The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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