yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
