i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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