My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
