I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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