I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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