He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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