I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
