I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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